[psl] p90 twin resolution

[ownperson]

Back when getting home still felt like a distant dream, she thought she'd leave.

She thought she'd hop on the first ship out of there, put distance between her and the other Freelancers. She'd caused them all more harm than she'd done good and really, why would they want her around? They hadn't ever really been friends, not even in the earliest days of the Project when she hadn't gone off the fucking rails, so who would care if she bailed? Wouldn't it be better for her and for them (wouldn't it save North the trouble of trying to forgive her every day when she knew it was an exercise in futility?) if she just— bailed, found a home on the first distant colony her feet touched down on?

But then Wash and Carolina... asked her to stay.

Not just stay, join them on Blue Team. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why they'd offer her that kind of fucking second chance, but— well, apparently that was a trend? Hell, maybe not feeling like you deserved it was a fucking condition of being taken in! All she knew was that she went from feeling like she had nowhere to fucking go, to suddenly having an offer she couldn't find it in her to refuse, and that became her life. Living with fucking simulation troopers and a few ex-freelancers, playing capture the flag and dealing with the daily nonsense and...

It isn't... bad? It's just... weird. It's like nothing she's ever experienced before. Nothing like Freelancer, nothing like the marines, nothing like her youth. The sim troopers, all assholes themselves, push back against her bullshit with a scary kind of ease and they don't really give a fuck what she's done—apparently, not terrorizing them specifically kinda goes in her favour—and turns out it's really hard to sit and mope when you're living surrounded by that kind of chaos.

(Not that she doesn't have her moments, but give her a break, she's got some self-hatred to work through, okay?)

So things are... okay. Better than she expected, really. In a strange sort of way she's... got a life, a life of her own, and it's not exactly what she imagined for herself, but it works out. Everything works out.

Except for the gaping, empty space in her life where her brother used to be, always there even when she's not actively thinking about it.

He keeps his word and so he keeps his distance. She doesn't expect that to change. She doesn't expect him to forgive her, no matter how much time he gives himself. There are lines that can never be un-crossed and she leapt so far over them it'd be impressive if it wasn't so goddamned terrible. So she tries not to think about him, sticks to her side of the bargain and gives him space. Only gets her updates on how he's doing from York, and they're doing alright. He's doing alright.

But fuck if she doesn't miss him.

Comments

[bothbarrels]

He notices, looking over at her with concern in his gaze. He releases York's hand to return her embrace.

"Part of it is just...I knew you'd changed. Like this."

"That's what I was telling him," York supplies.

[ownperson]

"Good to see spilling my guts to you was worth something after all," South jokes at York, whilst giving North another squeeze. "...yeah, I feel different, too, if that makes any goddamned sense. For a long time I didn't, like— I was, but I didn't feel it. But I do, now."

She's not who she was before the Project, she's not who she was during, she's not who she was after, or even who she was on the rig—she's in a totally new stage of her life and she's still figuring out what that stage is, but it's definitely different.

[bothbarrels]

North's brows raise. He really never expected her to say something like that.

"Heyy, that's good," York says. "And yeah, it was. I'm glad you've made it this far."

"Me, too," North says. He releases the hug so he can take York's hand again. "I suppose it's really him you have to thank for a lot of things, then."

[ownperson]

"Mm, credit where credit's due. He helped back on the rig, and I'm grateful he spoke in my favour," she stretches a leg out to nudge York in the shin, gives him a smile, "but you put in the work, and I'm glad you did. I wanted you to work through this shit the right way, I really meant that."

If cutting her off ended up being the right choice for him, it'd have hurt but she'd have still been relieved that he had at least put the work into making the choice.

But fuck, she is so fucking happy that this is how it's ended, instead. She's missed him so much, and it only hits harder for how impossible this once felt.

[bothbarrels]

North smiles.

"I'm glad it worked out that I had a chance to," he says.

"And I'm glad I helped, too," York says. "On both ends of it."

"There was a period of time I thought we'd never make it off the Rig," North adds.

[ownperson]

"Same. We made so little fuckin' headway to getting out for so long, me and Wash pulling fuckin'— double agent times two didn't even help much, then... boom."

She makes a stupid explosion noise with her mouth.

"We're out, home, and alive, all without 'breaking time'," she still has barely any understanding of that concern of Wash and Lina's, their adventures in that area are just... beyond comprehension. "Worked out pretty well."

[bothbarrels]

"I'm sorry, you did what?" he says. "Double agent?"

[ownperson]

South gets that wide-eyed, deer in the headlights look of someone who absolutely forgot she hadn't told someone something. "...oooh, shit. We weren't talking when I made that move."

Hell, she partially made that move because they weren't talking.

"Uhhh. So I like— kinda pretended to let Jorg enlist me to be their inside woman. So I could try and get some info. I knew I could pull it off 'cause I lied to command for so long, and 'cause Jorg probably already had a certain idea of me."

[bothbarrels]

North's looking at her like he's confused, or like he's discovering something he doesn't like knowing.

"And it didn't work out," he says, drawing a conclusion based on what she'd said earlier.

[ownperson]

"Oh, no, like, it worked, they bought it completely, it just... didn't end up being the key to busting out, in the end. Did more good by helping with that break in, really. But I kinda volunteered for that 'cause I had that position, if I'd been caught I coulda gotten out of it. Probably."

She absolutely risked death by zap there but it's fine, it worked out, she didn't get caught. And the collar York's side of the break-in found was invaluable to getting them out, so it was worth it.

[bothbarrels]

North continues to look at her with concern, and York gives him a nudge.

"She's right, North. It's okay."

[ownperson]

"See? It all worked out fine. I wanted to help, to... y'know, try and do something right."

Wash was right when he called her on grand gestures being easier than interpersonal stuff, but it was also never totally about making herself look good, it was a genuine effort to help and do better.

"I'm right here in front of you, totally fucking safe. Don't be a retroactive worrywart."

[bothbarrels]

He glances up at York, giving his hand a squeeze, before looking back at her.

"All right, fine. I'm glad it worked out, in the end."

York leans in and mutters something in North's ear.

"Oh, yeah. South, I've got to run back to the Pelican, but I'll be right back."

[ownperson]

She rolls her eyes playfully and bonks his shoulder with her head, then raises a brow. "Alright, go on then. Not like I'm going anywhere."

[bothbarrels]

North and York head to the Pelican, holding hands all the way. It's not long at all before they return, holding several wrapped packages. North was careful to wrap them in a way that wouldn't immediately give away their contents, though between the guitar, basketball, and the case of vodka, the perfect cube that has the basketball inside will probably be the most obvious.

In any case, they return and set the presents at her feet. North's grinning nervously the whole time.

[ownperson]

South sits up from where she's slouched the way she always does in their absence, tilting her head a little. She honestly didn't expect him to come back with what look like gifts.

"...for me?" Okay, it's a dumb question, and she knows that as soon as she asks, so she sits up fully to actually lean down and pick one of the packages up to actually be able to unwrap.

[bothbarrels]

"Yeah, of course."

He remains standing before her, waiting to see what she thinks of them. Hopefully she'll be happy.

[ownperson]

If she had expectation of presents, she certainly has no idea what to expect to find in them. She manages to unpack the vodka first, which is the least surprising and makes her snicker a little, make a comment about having to hide it from the others so she can actually drink it herself.

Then she gets to the other two. Basketball first, and there is a little flash of surprise in her face before she grins. "...you dork. Fuck, we haven't played in years, talk about nostalgia factor."

[bothbarrels]

"If the two of us teamed up against everyone else, we'd win," he says.

"Hey," York says, but it's with a smile, teasing.

"It's true and you know it," North says.

[ownperson]

South's grin grows, and she tries and immediately fails to spin the ball on her finger just because. "We'd totally kick all your asses. Together we could do it with our eyes closed."

It may have been an age since they did anything together, but she chooses to believe that their synchronicity is the kind of thing that can't be destroyed by that alone.

She sets the ball down beside her then starts unwrapping the final package. This time, when she opens it, she stalls for a second. Blinking. Opens her mouth and it just hangs like that for a second, too, before the grin comes back.

"...I'm— fuck, Drew, I'm surprised you even remembered I fucking played. It's been..." A long, long time. Certain hobbies just weren't easily kept up with, considering how they grew up. "It's been 'I'll murder your goddamn ear drums trying to play' time. That's how long it's been."

[bothbarrels]

"I know, but Delta looked up some lesson videos and we made a disc for you," he says, slipping something out of his pocket and handing it to her. It's a thumb drive, similar in appearance to the dogtag drive that Connie had once left for Tex. "That way you can wear it," he explained. "So you don't lose it."

[ownperson]

"Yeah, that's— that's a real concern around here." She takes it, staring for a long second, then puts it around her neck and stands so she can drag him into another tight hug.

"...thank you. Fuck, Drew, you didn't..." He didn't have to, him forgiving her is more than she ever expecting let alone coming bearing gifts like this, but she's grateful for all of it.

[bothbarrels]

He hugs back, a tight squeeze with no back pats.

"I didn't have to, I know. I did it because I haven't been in your life for so long." He has birthdays and holidays to make up for.

[ownperson]

"And I haven't even got a single thing for you," she jokes. She squeezes him as tight as she can, burying her face in his shoulder. Mumbles, muffled, "God I've missed you so much..."

[bothbarrels]

"That's okay. You can do it later," he says, completely joking. He gives her another, tighter squeeze at that last remark. "I missed you, too."