![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ownperson) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
hexaflexagons2021-10-19 12:44 am
[psl] p90 twin resolution
Back when getting home still felt like a distant dream, she thought she'd leave.
She thought she'd hop on the first ship out of there, put distance between her and the other Freelancers. She'd caused them all more harm than she'd done good and really, why would they want her around? They hadn't ever really been friends, not even in the earliest days of the Project when she hadn't gone off the fucking rails, so who would care if she bailed? Wouldn't it be better for her and for them (wouldn't it save North the trouble of trying to forgive her every day when she knew it was an exercise in futility?) if she just— bailed, found a home on the first distant colony her feet touched down on?
But then Wash and Carolina... asked her to stay.
Not just stay, join them on Blue Team. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why they'd offer her that kind of fucking second chance, but— well, apparently that was a trend? Hell, maybe not feeling like you deserved it was a fucking condition of being taken in! All she knew was that she went from feeling like she had nowhere to fucking go, to suddenly having an offer she couldn't find it in her to refuse, and that became her life. Living with fucking simulation troopers and a few ex-freelancers, playing capture the flag and dealing with the daily nonsense and...
It isn't... bad? It's just... weird. It's like nothing she's ever experienced before. Nothing like Freelancer, nothing like the marines, nothing like her youth. The sim troopers, all assholes themselves, push back against her bullshit with a scary kind of ease and they don't really give a fuck what she's done—apparently, not terrorizing them specifically kinda goes in her favour—and turns out it's really hard to sit and mope when you're living surrounded by that kind of chaos.
(Not that she doesn't have her moments, but give her a break, she's got some self-hatred to work through, okay?)
So things are... okay. Better than she expected, really. In a strange sort of way she's... got a life, a life of her own, and it's not exactly what she imagined for herself, but it works out. Everything works out.
Except for the gaping, empty space in her life where her brother used to be, always there even when she's not actively thinking about it.
He keeps his word and so he keeps his distance. She doesn't expect that to change. She doesn't expect him to forgive her, no matter how much time he gives himself. There are lines that can never be un-crossed and she leapt so far over them it'd be impressive if it wasn't so goddamned terrible. So she tries not to think about him, sticks to her side of the bargain and gives him space. Only gets her updates on how he's doing from York, and they're doing alright. He's doing alright.
But fuck if she doesn't miss him.
no subject
South shuffles around so she's tucked more with her back against North's side to look at York, raising a hand to wave at him and flash him a grin. Bright and genuinely happy. No arguing and no upset here.
"Hey asshole. Don't worry, only thing you're interrupting is a Chorus history lesson."
no subject
"Looks like things got sorted."
"Yes," North says, reaching a hand to take one of York's when he gets over to the couch.
"Told ya' it'd be good."
"You did," North says.
no subject
"Am I really watching you get 'I told you so'd in real time? Man, usually it's me getting that." She jabs him with her elbow and snickers a little, then at York, "Did you have to pester him, or something? Has he been holding out on me?"
It's joking. There's a time in the past she might've been actually hurt or annoyed by the idea, but the her in the here and now knows how... messy, this was, for both of them. She's sure she'd have needed some kind of push, if it were the other way around. And she's just happy he's here at all. That he's here and he means it.
no subject
"It was just...complicated."
"Lots of talks," York says. "That's all."
no subject
"I know, I know, I'm messing with you," it's her turn to ruffle North's hair now, even if she has to contort a bit from the position she's in. "You two would not believe the amount of times I've talked to Wash and 'Lina about like... this better person shit. How to keep going."
There were rough times, early on. Having the other two around has been invaluable, really.
no subject
York squeezes his hand. "Go ahead."
North shrugs. "Don't need to go into all of it."
no subject
"Oh, no, you said the 'and', we're going into it. No more like, not talking about things. That's how we got into this mess in the first place." She shifts around so she's more facing him again, still close but able to look at him without craning her neck. "...and I missed you too. Every day."
no subject
"It was just a lot of back-and-forth. I went through a time period where I thought I'd never talk to you again. And it was kind of okay with me. I think I needed to let go of you before I could decide if I wanted you back in my life."
no subject
She's not going to pretend something in her chest doesn't pang, and it probably shows in the way she briefly tenses up before choosing instead to just tuck herself closer and wrap an arm around North to give him a squeeze. But— that's it, there's no closing up, retreating, reacting poorly.
"...that makes sense, yeah. I mean, I never thought you'd want me back in your life at all. At some point I kinda decided that if that was how it ended, I'd rather you never came to tell me, just... stayed away. So I kinda get it."
Which might explain how on edge she was when he first arrived. The idea of having to actually hear 'I don't forgive you' instead of simply accepting that on her own and never seeing him again scared her.
It's still not the healthiest outlook on the situation, she knows, but she's still working on herself. But she's still better now than she ever was, ever thought possible.
no subject
"Part of it is just...I knew you'd changed. Like this."
"That's what I was telling him," York supplies.
no subject
"Good to see spilling my guts to you was worth something after all," South jokes at York, whilst giving North another squeeze. "...yeah, I feel different, too, if that makes any goddamned sense. For a long time I didn't, like— I was, but I didn't feel it. But I do, now."
She's not who she was before the Project, she's not who she was during, she's not who she was after, or even who she was on the rig—she's in a totally new stage of her life and she's still figuring out what that stage is, but it's definitely different.
no subject
"Heyy, that's good," York says. "And yeah, it was. I'm glad you've made it this far."
"Me, too," North says. He releases the hug so he can take York's hand again. "I suppose it's really him you have to thank for a lot of things, then."
no subject
"Mm, credit where credit's due. He helped back on the rig, and I'm grateful he spoke in my favour," she stretches a leg out to nudge York in the shin, gives him a smile, "but you put in the work, and I'm glad you did. I wanted you to work through this shit the right way, I really meant that."
If cutting her off ended up being the right choice for him, it'd have hurt but she'd have still been relieved that he had at least put the work into making the choice.
But fuck, she is so fucking happy that this is how it's ended, instead. She's missed him so much, and it only hits harder for how impossible this once felt.
no subject
"I'm glad it worked out that I had a chance to," he says.
"And I'm glad I helped, too," York says. "On both ends of it."
"There was a period of time I thought we'd never make it off the Rig," North adds.
no subject
"Same. We made so little fuckin' headway to getting out for so long, me and Wash pulling fuckin'— double agent times two didn't even help much, then... boom."
She makes a stupid explosion noise with her mouth.
"We're out, home, and alive, all without 'breaking time'," she still has barely any understanding of that concern of Wash and Lina's, their adventures in that area are just... beyond comprehension. "Worked out pretty well."
no subject
no subject
South gets that wide-eyed, deer in the headlights look of someone who absolutely forgot she hadn't told someone something. "...oooh, shit. We weren't talking when I made that move."
Hell, she partially made that move because they weren't talking.
"Uhhh. So I like— kinda pretended to let Jorg enlist me to be their inside woman. So I could try and get some info. I knew I could pull it off 'cause I lied to command for so long, and 'cause Jorg probably already had a certain idea of me."
no subject
"And it didn't work out," he says, drawing a conclusion based on what she'd said earlier.
no subject
"Oh, no, like, it worked, they bought it completely, it just... didn't end up being the key to busting out, in the end. Did more good by helping with that break in, really. But I kinda volunteered for that 'cause I had that position, if I'd been caught I coulda gotten out of it. Probably."
She absolutely risked death by zap there but it's fine, it worked out, she didn't get caught. And the collar York's side of the break-in found was invaluable to getting them out, so it was worth it.
no subject
"She's right, North. It's okay."
no subject
"See? It all worked out fine. I wanted to help, to... y'know, try and do something right."
Wash was right when he called her on grand gestures being easier than interpersonal stuff, but it was also never totally about making herself look good, it was a genuine effort to help and do better.
"I'm right here in front of you, totally fucking safe. Don't be a retroactive worrywart."
no subject
"All right, fine. I'm glad it worked out, in the end."
York leans in and mutters something in North's ear.
"Oh, yeah. South, I've got to run back to the Pelican, but I'll be right back."
no subject
She rolls her eyes playfully and bonks his shoulder with her head, then raises a brow. "Alright, go on then. Not like I'm going anywhere."
no subject
In any case, they return and set the presents at her feet. North's grinning nervously the whole time.
no subject
South sits up from where she's slouched the way she always does in their absence, tilting her head a little. She honestly didn't expect him to come back with what look like gifts.
"...for me?" Okay, it's a dumb question, and she knows that as soon as she asks, so she sits up fully to actually lean down and pick one of the packages up to actually be able to unwrap.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)