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hexaflexagons2021-10-19 12:44 am
[psl] p90 twin resolution
Back when getting home still felt like a distant dream, she thought she'd leave.
She thought she'd hop on the first ship out of there, put distance between her and the other Freelancers. She'd caused them all more harm than she'd done good and really, why would they want her around? They hadn't ever really been friends, not even in the earliest days of the Project when she hadn't gone off the fucking rails, so who would care if she bailed? Wouldn't it be better for her and for them (wouldn't it save North the trouble of trying to forgive her every day when she knew it was an exercise in futility?) if she just— bailed, found a home on the first distant colony her feet touched down on?
But then Wash and Carolina... asked her to stay.
Not just stay, join them on Blue Team. She didn't get it. She didn't understand why they'd offer her that kind of fucking second chance, but— well, apparently that was a trend? Hell, maybe not feeling like you deserved it was a fucking condition of being taken in! All she knew was that she went from feeling like she had nowhere to fucking go, to suddenly having an offer she couldn't find it in her to refuse, and that became her life. Living with fucking simulation troopers and a few ex-freelancers, playing capture the flag and dealing with the daily nonsense and...
It isn't... bad? It's just... weird. It's like nothing she's ever experienced before. Nothing like Freelancer, nothing like the marines, nothing like her youth. The sim troopers, all assholes themselves, push back against her bullshit with a scary kind of ease and they don't really give a fuck what she's done—apparently, not terrorizing them specifically kinda goes in her favour—and turns out it's really hard to sit and mope when you're living surrounded by that kind of chaos.
(Not that she doesn't have her moments, but give her a break, she's got some self-hatred to work through, okay?)
So things are... okay. Better than she expected, really. In a strange sort of way she's... got a life, a life of her own, and it's not exactly what she imagined for herself, but it works out. Everything works out.
Except for the gaping, empty space in her life where her brother used to be, always there even when she's not actively thinking about it.
He keeps his word and so he keeps his distance. She doesn't expect that to change. She doesn't expect him to forgive her, no matter how much time he gives himself. There are lines that can never be un-crossed and she leapt so far over them it'd be impressive if it wasn't so goddamned terrible. So she tries not to think about him, sticks to her side of the bargain and gives him space. Only gets her updates on how he's doing from York, and they're doing alright. He's doing alright.
But fuck if she doesn't miss him.
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Not denying anything about staying. He himself has no idea.
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"We will still absolutely kick your asses if they do. For the record."
She chews the inside of her cheek, then shifts a bit. Now Tucker and Grif aren't being nosey she just... moves to settle with her head on his shoulder, tucked up against his side.
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"Are the sim troopers an asset or a liability, when it comes to wargames?"
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"Depends on the day. Tucker's actually not a bad soldier, just don't let him know I said that, and Caboose can be... well, you just have to know how to work with him. But sometimes they're just..."
She gestures vaguely.
"Also Sarge's batshit plans sometimes work? Those are scary days." She's joking, but also, seriously.
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"The guy who wanted to fuck your ass was Tucker, wasn't he?"
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"Why did you have to say it like that, you fucker," she snort laughs and punches him in the chest, not too hard but not light, "but, yeah, same chaotic dipshit from the rig. Being home free has only made him more so, actually."
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She rolls her eyes dramatically, "Right, stupid question." And an obvious answer that makes her happy anyway because fuck she's missed stupid banter like that. "He knows, he just can't let an opening go by, I don't really care. I mean, I totally threatened to kick his ass at first, but by now..."
She shrugs. If it made her genuinely uncomfortable, she would have made sure he stopped. That's for damn sure.
"I do rub it in his face I've definitely fucked more girls than him though. Whenever relevant."
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"So how did you all end up on this planet?" He's never heard of Chorus.
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She grins at him as he ruffles her hair. Tucks herself up closer.
"This is the place Wash, Lina and the others got caught up in some fuckin— civil war bullshit, Charon Industries, all that. They know people here. Like, 'friends with the President of the colony' levels of know people."
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"Apparently the company behind the people we were actually fighting during the Project, all that bullshit. Really upgraded their level of bullshit since then I guess, wanted to wipe the whole population out or something horrible like that."
How crazy shit got after they all originally died is still kinda wild to wrap her head around.
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"That's it, I saw it written on the oil platform when we went on that stealth mission."
He frowns.
"Genocide? Against humans?"
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"Yeeep. Who needs aliens to do it when sometimes other humans suck just as fuckin' much, huh? Something about the alien tech shit here or... something."
Eloquent and clearly having fully absorbed all the information she's given, as always.
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At that moment, there's a rap at the door, and then York slips in the base.
"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you two were doing okay."
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South shuffles around so she's tucked more with her back against North's side to look at York, raising a hand to wave at him and flash him a grin. Bright and genuinely happy. No arguing and no upset here.
"Hey asshole. Don't worry, only thing you're interrupting is a Chorus history lesson."
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"Looks like things got sorted."
"Yes," North says, reaching a hand to take one of York's when he gets over to the couch.
"Told ya' it'd be good."
"You did," North says.
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"Am I really watching you get 'I told you so'd in real time? Man, usually it's me getting that." She jabs him with her elbow and snickers a little, then at York, "Did you have to pester him, or something? Has he been holding out on me?"
It's joking. There's a time in the past she might've been actually hurt or annoyed by the idea, but the her in the here and now knows how... messy, this was, for both of them. She's sure she'd have needed some kind of push, if it were the other way around. And she's just happy he's here at all. That he's here and he means it.
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"It was just...complicated."
"Lots of talks," York says. "That's all."
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"I know, I know, I'm messing with you," it's her turn to ruffle North's hair now, even if she has to contort a bit from the position she's in. "You two would not believe the amount of times I've talked to Wash and 'Lina about like... this better person shit. How to keep going."
There were rough times, early on. Having the other two around has been invaluable, really.
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York squeezes his hand. "Go ahead."
North shrugs. "Don't need to go into all of it."
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"Oh, no, you said the 'and', we're going into it. No more like, not talking about things. That's how we got into this mess in the first place." She shifts around so she's more facing him again, still close but able to look at him without craning her neck. "...and I missed you too. Every day."
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"It was just a lot of back-and-forth. I went through a time period where I thought I'd never talk to you again. And it was kind of okay with me. I think I needed to let go of you before I could decide if I wanted you back in my life."
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She's not going to pretend something in her chest doesn't pang, and it probably shows in the way she briefly tenses up before choosing instead to just tuck herself closer and wrap an arm around North to give him a squeeze. But— that's it, there's no closing up, retreating, reacting poorly.
"...that makes sense, yeah. I mean, I never thought you'd want me back in your life at all. At some point I kinda decided that if that was how it ended, I'd rather you never came to tell me, just... stayed away. So I kinda get it."
Which might explain how on edge she was when he first arrived. The idea of having to actually hear 'I don't forgive you' instead of simply accepting that on her own and never seeing him again scared her.
It's still not the healthiest outlook on the situation, she knows, but she's still working on herself. But she's still better now than she ever was, ever thought possible.
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"Part of it is just...I knew you'd changed. Like this."
"That's what I was telling him," York supplies.
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